Looper: Midnight Premieres, A Girl Named Cheryl, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Jawline.

See what I mean?

I had initially planned to write about time machines, Einstein’s theories of relativity, and maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s perfect jawline. But after attending the film’s midnight premiere, I came to the conclusion that I 1) really need to work on my originality, 2) am not a physicist and probably neither is anyone reading this, and 3) who am I kidding? Yes, please.

Looper, written and directed by Rian Johnson, stars Bruce Willis and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in, uh-huh, another film about time traveling. No, there’s no fusion-powered DeLorean, and Rachel McAdams is not in it. Stop asking. Rest assured, however, it is better than that atrocious Adam Sandler movie with Christopher Walken. No, not Jack and Jill. No… not Grownups. The other impressively painful one. Click. Yeah, it’s better than Click.

Joe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), ‘Looper’.

Then again, I wouldn’t know. I was too emotionally disturbed by the groaning woman sitting next to me.

Side note: I usually [editing] adore midnight premieres. There’s something exceptionally unique about them. I love the energy. And the nerd-talk amongst strangers. And the unapologetic over-clapping. And the euphoric, on-top-of-the-world feeling you get when you walk out of the theater afterward. What the hell—I even love the costumes. Harry Potter, The Avengers, Katy Perry: Part of Me. I like you, whatever you’re supposed to be. There’s even something romantic about ingesting an entire bag of buttered movie popcorn, a large Coke and pretzel by yourself at one in the morning, and silently imagining what your life would be like without Type 2 Diabetes and high cholesterol.

Let’s call her Cheryl.

So there’s Cheryl to my right, practically in fetal position, nail-biting and making unidentifiable noises at the most predictable moments, and laughing at the least humorous. And then here I am. Staring at her. Blankly. For an hour and forty minutes. I would’ve looked away, but she was doing the whole if-I-fold-my-legs-up-to-my-hair-line-the-monsters-underneath-my-seat-can’t-eat-me thing, and I just couldn’t. Her nose was buried into her shirt. Um. Like a bandit. And she was either sweating or crying in the last scene. I. couldn’t. tell.

Perhaps it was her flailing arms during each action sequence that inhibited me from fully enjoying the movie, or perhaps the movie just wasn’t entirely enjoyable. The first thirty minutes were thrilling, without a doubt. But the last hour felt a little mediocre. Slightly forced, uneventful and half-baked. (So I just closed my eyes and pretended it was 500 Days of Summer again and that I was Zooey Deschanel.)

Despite the film’s successful marketing push over the past few weeks, kick-butt trailer and Levitt’s jaw, don’t expect another Inception. Looper is time travel, again, with a cuter face. It looks fun and exciting. And it is, for the first hour, at most.

If I could go back in time, I’d see Finding Nemo in 3D instead.

-Dana Cox

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